Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it