what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Saint West, the patron of selfies
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Pigeon open mic night.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Saw online –
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
PARKOUR
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh