Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat