Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
You Might Also Like
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Venn
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.