Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I need to get some bricks…
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.