Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
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A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit