You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Snapes on a plane.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch