hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
going to the ER y’all need anything
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out