Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Bros before Ohioes
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time