if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.