When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.