day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
selfie game
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My dog ate my work from home.