If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.