Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Whoa 😂
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
So we got a goldfish…
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!