I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.