Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
You Might Also Like
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Terribly Tuesday.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.