Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer