[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
That’s fair
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Just as the prophecy foretold
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.