My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
😂😂😂
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…