I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
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a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck