First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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1.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Bill is short for Billiam
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.