I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.