According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
The old gods are rising again.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC