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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights