My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]