Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
it be like that
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*