GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
This has made my week.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
*cough*
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”