Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
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Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
What the hell is going on?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
an airline just for babies.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair