[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Blew my mind.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?