I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Has there ever been a more American story?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.