Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You Might Also Like
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!