Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children