Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Happy birthday to all the women
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!