To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.