Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?