Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
look at me when i’m typing to you
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
#CatsOnTwitter
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.