No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You Might Also Like
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news