The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
can I use a minion as a tampon
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Smile they said.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good