If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.