Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
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Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu