[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The booster protects against what, now?
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.