I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.