[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.