I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment