*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Wise advice
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten