[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The answer is funnier than the question
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.