Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”