Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I occasionally drink every single night.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it