I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”