My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me sliding into hell like
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Breaking news:
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.